As Long As I Have My Smokes

As long as he has his smokes everything will be ok. We haven’t had groceries in our fridge in weeks but at least this mom has a full pack of cigarettes every single day. I never wanted to marry a smoker. He lied to me so that he can have his way. There is this aura about him where he is always calling me names, swearing at me pointing his finger at me trying to make me feel insane.

He is the only person that matters in this existence as he towers over everybody trying to get his say. There is nobody in his life off limits as he is always so focused on his rage. It’s 6 am in the morning and all he wants to do is talk about driving his car into a wall as his tirade continues and knows no bounds. All I want is the life that I worked so hard towards instead of this partner who is incapable of meeting anybody else’s needs.

All the time I hear how I am a b*tch or how I need to go away. It is always the same. Nothing changes and this is the final reason why I am pushed over the edge and made to feel insane. I tried so hard to be accommodating this weekend but in the end there was no time for lil ol me. All I get is how I am a waste of skin who steals food from our table even though I am trying to make a living between you and me.

I guess I should just suck it up and get a job at McDonald’s instead of whining everyday in the way that I do. I just want to be here and do what I can for my family even though there is an evil monster trying to tell me what to say and even do.

I get barely any time to myself. I can’t understand why he thinks he is so entitled everyday. It is exhausting trying to carry on my day in such a way that he won’t even notice me but if my son has a meltdown there will be very little time to clean. In those days I am reduced to nothing. Being made fun of in every single way. What I am told is that nobody cares about who I am and what I am going through because everything that I am doing is irritating to those that are closest to me and nobody else is listening.

Every day is a fight as I try to do the best that I can running on next to no sleep, it’s hard. I know that what is happening is no fault of my son and the fact that I am alone for the most part isn’t lost on me. There is a running tally of what activities we are doing with our son like we need to keep a better score and tally to see who is winning at this game. This is what I don’t understand. There is no time for me. I have to get done everything when they are sleeping or I will have to wait a lifetime for others to just wait and see.

This blog will probably get shut down. I am told that I overshare and my thoughts just need to go away. With nobody left to talk to in this world this is the last thing to go and I know it will soon be possible if the husband has is way.

We aren’t allowed to speak our truths out of fear of retaliation. Be weary of those who are always on the taking end and who can never lift a finger in life to actually help you. All weekend I tried to do what I thought would make the husband happy but he will always find something to pick a part so that he can have his way. He is an angry person who is always going to be unhappy. Every waking moment is spent arguing and I am tired of trying to keep score.

I am tired of being lied to or that matters of my heart are just a game. I never would have ended up here for as long as I did but he took my freedom away with little or no say. There is no niceties or trying to have my back. Just a constant barrage of insults where he is capable of going 0 to 360 flat. Agreeing to stay I was determined to live my life a little differently, trying to do the things that are impossible just to see if I was worthy of the impossible things. So far nothing has landed but I am more than determined to find out how it is possible to relate to the rest of the world.

That is who I am and that is who my husband wants me to feel shame for. The forever dreamer that life can feel good and mean something other than what the masses or holding out for trying to get us to finally see. I can’t conform to a set of standards that has only been designed to hurt. I fear for what is happening to the living right before we all begin to return to the dirt.

All my content is created for you, the people, explaining what happened to me when the world began to hurt. All my insecurities and mental inabilities brought to the forefront so we can relate together and try to explain away all this pain. Why it is the way that I am, trying to encourage others to find their voice and try to do the same. In a sea full of strangers how is that you know where to go? You move towards the people that feel good and put you at ease because you were finally able to make your way back home.

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