My descent into madness didn’t happen by chance. Nor was it anything I every aspired to have in my life. I wanted to conform I truly did. By conform I mean I wanted to life the way society dictated to us. The way it was passed down onto me. I wanted to buy into the belief if you were both loyal and committed to not only your work and your mate that you would be happy, you would find success. You would be at peace. I tried that route. I think in the end all it did was help disguise my eccentricity. Prolong the enivitable. How can one truly determine when the mind starts to work in a different way then most.
I mean we have all had different levels of trauma in our lives. That is a guarantee. We have all felt some sort of emotion at some point. For me it was not having anybody to express that trauma with. By that I mean there was nobody that I felt truly understood and connected with me in that way. I felt like an outsider. A loner. Like I never really did belong anywhere with anybody at anytime. I just merely existed. This can be seen by the lack of connection with people that I went to school with. For whatever reason I have not been able to connect deeply with anybody. I feel alone. I don’t feel like it is anybody’s fault just who I am. My fear of getting close to anybody is because I really have no idea what the purpose of all of this is anyways. At some point everything around us becomes white noise. If we don’t have the necessary tools to decipher the code then that is when the madness sets in.
My life now is one almost based on solitude if you consider my husband working 12 hour days, 7 days a week. He tells me he needs to because my spending is a little bit extravagant. For the record I always ask permission and never spend without at first letting him know. This is totally a whole new post in itself. Alot of my time is spent in our house. I have always compared these walls to the inside of a diaper. It isn’t very appealing it is mundane at best and if I don’t get to paint some life into it soon I may just scream. My home has become the center of my universe. Where we get our tanks refilled when we are feeling down it has to be a sanctuary of some sorts. I surround myself in all my favourite things and memories and soon to be colours. I am always happiest when at home. Away from that white noice that happens when you one of many in a crowd. Especially when it is just me and my son and sometimes my dogs, we all need some fresh air to at least feel like the home we are in as in fact not become our prison.
Walking around the park and seeing other children playing I wish I didn’t bring the dogs this time. My son has this zest for life. Like full on I am going to dance in the streets like noone is watching except in his case somebody always is. I went to a car show today and my son literally chased the bikers around. Cutest thing ever was watching this lil guy in his tiger cap run after the bikes. Once they stopped though he got overwhelmed like I could only equate it to running into your favourite celebrity. My son was starstruck. My mind wonders and I think about how some of the greatest leaders, inventors, thinkers, humanitarians of our time didn’t have the level of stimulation that my son was being exposed to. I start to wonder if we dilute what is great within ourselves by not harnassing the power within ourselves. What I mean is if you have no safe haven, no sanctuary to recharge. If you are constantly out with friends, activities, sports, outside stimulus is that when we begin to suffer. Should we reign ourselves in more instead of stretching ourselves out so thin.
Again thinking to the whirlwind of the last 3 years from being defined as a mother, wife and now Pin-Up persona only one thing truly makes sense. I must have died that day when my son was born. Maybe somehow I am living in this parallel universe where everything instead of falling apart is coming together. Is it possible that the time out healed my brain? or did it stop it? The only thing I know for true is what we believe our perception of ourselves to be. I love the way I feel when I am in front of a group of people. The idea that I can make somebody’s day brighter just by being is a very powerful thought. No matter who you are when you are at a car show and you see a bright sunny personality staring back at you you are going to have to smile. I have my son with me and he’s a little fireball. I like to think that I am an example for anybody out there. I am 40 transforming who I want the world to remember me by. I am not forgetting the past in which it defines me. I am controlling the way in which it was told.
Somehow through all of this I have a crazy appreciation of just loving life. I appreciate the purpose of every being we ever come into contact with. We have the power and the choice to leave a positive lasting impression or none at all. My crazy mind tells me it is just me being crazy but I do have this appreciation for all life. My cats get the extreme benefit. I appreciate their presence in my life that I will pet them and snuggle them for hours. And guess what that is totally my life. My husband is a very good provider for all of us. That is another reason I like to keep my presence at home. The memories I want to have most of are the ones spent in our home. I don’t think there is anything in the world that could compare with connecting with my family.
So am I slowly falling down a rabbit hole or am I crawling out of one? It is super hard to say. That is really all for the mind to say. Our perception of ourselves and who we aspire to be should almost always be the most important thing. Whether or not somebody is holding our hands we do die alone. Whatever that maybe and where we go when it happens it is just us. Maybe it is time that I just start living a life that makes me happiest. In a world full of somber greys I would want to be the rainbow anyways. I never thought that one day I would be that crazy old blue haired lady but what do you know here I am living that dream lol