I think what trips me up the most is my own perception of how love should be and not take into consideration the opinions of everybody else.
Where does one begin to even start to define the way love should feel and how it should mean when we are too overly consumed about everybody else. The first and foremost running throughout everybody`s brain is this need for power and entitlement over and above what one is normally accustomed too. If we aren`t treated a certain way, then we pick up our things and head for the high hills and run. I think that is what is always getting in the way. Our egos. Never trying to meet our lover on a common ground.
Love isn`t obsessional and it would never want somebody to feel any sort of way other than happiness and love. You wouldn`t want to be the source of your loved ones pain up to the day and time that you decide to return them back to the dirt. That is what happens in the most extreme of cases. Somebody out there has decided that their presence on this timeline has been enough, and they need to go away. Instead of cutting them loose into the world so they can exercise their own freedom you tie them up with a noose so that they can never run away.
Control isn`t love. Wanting to take away another person`s happiness just so you can get your say, who does that? Not anybody human that is for sure. What makes us jealous is our own insecurities than we impose it onto others, so they feel bad and go away. Who wants to stay around those that you are always doing wrong by anyways when you can live for brighter days.
I remember once dating this guy who was evidently on the rebound but in my own idiocy, I ignored all the signs and went ahead with trying to win him over anyways. I found out all of his favourite foods and slaved away. Apple pie with homemade crust and pork chops and potatoes just like my mom used to make. I would spare no expense just to prove to that man that I thought he was something special. There was no reaching him. His heart belonged to somebody else so when she wanted him back, he skipped town and got her knocked up. He wasn’t going to take that chance of her ever leaving him again.
That is just who I am. I am a homebody at heart. I love the idea of a home cooked meal and game nights in with friends and family too. I still have that dream that I feel is very far apart from where I am now. I think of all the things I used to do for my husband and how he shunned everything I used to do. I used to love to cook and slave away all day. That was up until I realized how much food I was actually throwing away. He wouldn’t even try to eat anything I cooked. Not even a taste. I can’t tell you how it felt in that moment to know that all my efforts that I have come known to adore would eventually go to waste.
The smoking is the slap in the face that I get every day and I don’t really need. I quit smoking almost 6 years ago in my quest to have a family one day. That was my goal, so I had to change my life. That man promised to quit smoking even before I became his wife. How much money is wasted up in smoke just burns a dark hole in my heart. I maybe a lot in this life but wasteful to a government that doesn’t give a damn about me is definitely not it. To me taxes is like saying we like what you have done. Keep being the ultimate *sshole in life here’s your pay cheque keep being an absolutely horrible being.
So, I have this weird idea of how love should be, and it should start with some sort of mutual respect. If you don’t have their backs when everybody’s back turned like seriously dude what the heck. I lost everything the day those accusations were being made. I stood firmly behind my husband, and I made all other’s just go away. Be Gone!
I remember asking my friend to help me with this that it wasn’t something that my husband would do or done. My husband I believe is void of most human emotions I think that is something that you should know. Nothing turns him on and that is the same for little girls. The fact that you would take the side of somebody you knew almost 20 years ago tells me everything I need to know and ever hear. So, I imploded. I took it all away. There was no way I was going to let that stand or take seed if they weren’t going to listen then they were privy to what I had to say. He is a good man and a father I just think his love may just stop at me. There is nothing that is wrong with that and it sure as hell doesn’t mean I would ship him off to sea.
I just left the social media land that I had come to know. That was right slab dab in the middle of a pandemic there was something very dark happening inside of my world. I began to trust nobody because I saw what people were capable of and could do. There seemed to be more evil in the world and it was beginning to overtake everything too. Then there came the time in my head when I asked myself what my ancestor’s would do. Go back there.
They would always be dressed proper before even cleaning the house. They would let their actions speak volumes and become somewhat quieter than a mouse. Life becomes the answer, and you will find an abundance of answers the more you surround yourself with it. It becomes more than what is born human and more to what breathes air.