I think that my reality in the grander scheme of things is that I will always be a nobody but that is only on the world wide scale. I think as soon as I can release this idea that I need to make my mark on this world before expire the sooner I can be happier, at least that is what I have come to believe.
I can’t get rid of this idea that if I just share my story that maybe that will be enough. I know that I have touched the hearts of a few and that is how I find the strength to pick myself and keep on going. Unless we are dead our lives can always be more difficult. It is a feeling we can’t comprehend until it has come to fester inside our brains.
Is the grass greener? Why are we so concerned? All these ideas and feelings are just a nuisance that are constantly trying to get in the way. We like this idea of having complete control over somebody or a situation and I am here to tell you that it is simply not ok.
The idea that so many people out there would rather distort their good intentions and surround themselves with evil instead. I can never understand why some beings believe they have the to power to send other beings to meet with their maker, like their feelings and essence are the only thing that matters. This single act of depravity is a glaring indication of all the ways we fail as human that I can no longer begin to ignore.
What gets to me is how one person can determine another beings fate in this life. Through no fault of the victim at all they will have to pay the ultimate price and for as long as we both shall live we will have to marinade in that fact. There is no going back once that ultimate sin has been committed and I for one am concerned for how we as humans are growing to be.
Violence is always the answer as long as nobody else is getting in our way. When it comes to our own hearts and desires we could care less about any being standing around us as we put our blinders on and start getting to work.
Imagine an existence where we could go about and just live our lives. We don’t have to worry about our possessions getting stolen our if our children will make their way home before the end of every night. I can’t believe I survived during a time with no internet and cell phones. How did my parents ever get any kind of sleep?
I think that is where this idea of a grander existence comes into play like a consistent illusion taking up residency in my brain. See in the 90’s if you didn’t have some sort of talent you were a nobody with no chance in hell of ever picking yourself out of the dirt. Now with everyday that passes their is a chance of one reaching fame for doing little or next to nothing.
Everybody has a chance of coming into our living rooms even if we don’t want them to show up they do. Their negativity and outlandish opinions hitting us in every which way questioning or existence and everything we have come to be. Do I like myself? I am not sure. Let me just check to see how many followers I lost today.
Why do I always search for outside validation when I need to be the one who is building myself up? I shouldn’t worry so much about whether or not the stars of today know who I am and if they can see me what I should worry the most about is loving that being that is me.
I know who I want to be in my wildest dreams but I am too scared to bring her to the forefront of my brain. I know what it feels like to not be included wishing that somebody else would want to befriend you so you find yourself eating alone at the quiet end of the park instead. I also know what it feels like to be insulted for who you were born to and how you grew up. The insults of smelling like cow sh*t will always be something that rides around in my brain.
Children our cruel and I am thankful for no record of such. That was the best thing about growing up during the time that we did. Could you imagine if somebody else’s hate for me was another person’s status? I don’t think I ever would have survived growing up during that time as a teen.
I think that is why I always wanted to be somebody. When everybody was laughing at me I always thought just you wait and see. I will work my fingers to the bone just to prove to you my worth not that it matters anymore but I feel that pressure still the same. I am embarrassed of who I am and the life that I had endured but at the time that I was living it all I wanted was to survive.
I always dreamed of a better life that is why I keep putting myself out there and doing all these things because I don’t want to buy into all these big corporations who are content on hurting everybody. Where we find ourselves in this time I consider it to not even be living as we work every day of our lives just to come out ahead but we don’t do we? I mean some do eventually but then we turn around and die. Can you imagine an existence that you never got to enjoy?
So I maybe a nobody but I am known to those that matter. There is no way we can imagine a life that is so infinite when we only have this one moment inside of us to take a chance and fly.