Not As It Seems

Every morning is the same. I wake in the hopes that there is somebody to conversate with and my feelings are immediately dashed anytime that he is around.

It usually starts as a hush and told to get out of here using the excuse as to not wake up my son because that is where he choses to sleep. It hurts knowing that if I speak I am going to be met with disgust but this is how I rise to greet each day.

I don’t plan on it to be that way but it usually starts with my inability to breathe. Imagine your partner smoking in the house when you have drifted off to sleep believing that what you don’t see won’t kill you but in reality it is this single act of defiance that makes my blood run cold. I don’t believe that you would want to hurt somebody continuously over and over again unless of course you didn’t like them like all the times you said.

What keeps me silent is other people’s motive. I find most people are sliding into my DM’s and they aren’t wanting to talk. All they see is an object of their sexual desires and not a human being that is hurting in so many ways. This idea that I am only worthy of a moment when my clothes are off is what will become my own undoing in the end.

How do you get unstuck from this existence you find yourself stuck in? I mean according to the secret you have to work hard towards the life that you want to live. I would have to put the blinders on and just dig in. Make moves to the life that feels good and try as hard as you can to ignore everybody and everything else. There will always be those entities who are sent out to destroy you because of all the good inside of you that can never be undone or even seen.

I am a cautious with those that I allow to be near me because I can never be too sure why they are coming around. In the beginning I wanted to get to know everybody now I am ok if there is never to be a friend that is found. What I got exposed to was nothing but a slow festering rage. There was so many beings all trying to be somebody that only one or two can be successful when they show their face and come out to play.

We don’t see this or realize this but we are all created equal. We can’t control the family or bodies we are born into but we have to try and give it our best. How can you make this existence a little more pleasurable and seemingly realistic when all we tend to focus on is all the things that are out of our control.

Take creating content for example. We all get so upset when none of our reels or posts take off. What are you trying to do and what is it about this moment in your life that you are trying to remember? Maybe life would feel a little bit better if you created your memoir and legacy just for you. Imagine your potential grand kids are blood line studying who you were. Like a character out of a Hollywood movie they want to grow into an enigma like you.

For those closest to us mimicking us is all they could ever for. We all can’t be famous movie stars or models that reality will never be you and me but we can try to capture how we were feeling on that day or in that moment and that is a feeling that nobody or nothing can ever take back.

My silence used to be so crippling I couldn’t help but feel broken with nobody to share my secrets with I just became a shell of a being. There was always somebody with their nose turned looking down at me so I learned quickly how to be and even talk.

What I came to realize is that most people only care to talk about themselves with the idea of past trauma being lost on their brains. Nobody wants to be that woman that the world forgotten but out of fear of people laughed at I just choke on the words that I wish I could say.

I won’t forget those that have betrayed me and I will never desire to go back to where I used to be. Sure I think about some moments in my life where there was the potential for long term friendship and a little bit of laughter but those relationships fizzled out faster than an open can of coke.

I question everything. My morality makes it so. I wonder what it is that we are doing here and when we are finished doing all that where is that we are bound to go. People hurt people every single day and they believed they are justified because it was their own feelings that were driving them.

The older I get the more apprehensive I am because I know that you can’t just believe everything as it lies in front of you. Not everything is as it seems. We thrive on that fact. What can we make disappear with the untrained eye without doing a thing and is it possible that we can get other people to believe that exact thing?

So although my insides feel desperate for companionship I know what happens when we just grasp at anything to fill the void. When we get caught feeding the need with just anything that puts us in a position that we will never win. That feeling of desperation is sometimes suffocating at best and it will take everything inside of us just to have the strength to live another day. We live these days for those that we still remember in the hopes that we are making them proud and that we can be reunited one day.


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