I could write out every feeling I have been bottling inside but fear is the glue that keeps me together. There are those secrets I tell to many and then there are those that others would never understand. It is not shame that keeps me from sharing those darkest secrets it is hope that if the words don’t escape my lips than one day maybe, just maybe love will find me again. My life experiences are my testimony and it is my hope that I can help light up another’s darkness to help them walk into the light.
What I confess is obvious. It doesn’t take my touch to see what the heart feels when you wear it on your sleeve. Often my mother would tell me to harden and not let everybody in. My mind couldn’t wrap around the meaning I thought the point of life was to love and get to know each other equally, I couldn’t imagine an existence where you didn’t give a stranger an open heart and a loving hand. I love to talk. I love to know. I love to have the person in my presence not only feel like the most important person in the room but in the World. To think that another person could never feel the same towards me hurts my heart. It’s the biggest weight I have ever had to carry and truth be told my back is breaking from carrying it for so long.
I am unhappily married and no matter how hard I try there is no pleasing my better, other half. There was a time I would be over come with so much emotion that I couldn’t imagine how much more I could take. I was desperate for love and validation but in the same time I was walking on egg shells tip toeing from room to room. I would try so hard to make some sort of peace but all he ever wanted was to be left alone to sleep. He tells me this is what happens when a hard working man comes home from work. I listen to him brag about his life and his big heart as he made a home for 20 some odd pets. Meanwhile it is me staying up for 16 plus hours trying to clean and tend to all the living until my fingers have gone raw to the bone.
To tell you every secret is something I am not ready to do. Facts be known there are some things I am not ready to admit. Life is so easy when you are on the outside looking in. Everybody has something to say but nobody is willing to put themselves out there and help. And if they could help what could they do? What could they say? What is happening in my life carries some pretty serious implications if not handled the right way. Right now my heart belongs to my son but I know that can’t be forever. One day he will grow and find a love of his own and when that day comes I will be overcome with emotion it would be nice to have a life partner carry me away.
What we remember as a child we try to bring back into life when we become adults. The problem with my memories is they were clouded over with divorce intentions. What my mom hid from my eyes I am now hiding from my son. I want my son to see what real love looks like. What it means to have a life partner and how easy it is to celebrate each others life. In the absence of romance and intimacy I try to be my husband’s friend. He never makes time to nurture my being or spend any time with me at all. I am left in my dreams to wonder if there will ever be any kind of love in my life. I am tired. I feel week and my mind is a constant web of positive affirmations. I am worthy of love and I am worthy of a healthy existence. It is a shame that any one of us would feel anything else.
My confession is I feel more like a fixture in my husband’s house then I feel like his friend. I cry alone, I feel alone, I play and tend to the house like me and my son are the only ones who exist. If I believe anything else it becomes too much it is just easier to exist where I can. The daily struggle I feel becomes easier because I know I am not alone. Amongst the sea of narcissists, gaslighters and general pompous beings there are still good people most hide amongst the shadows just like me. I have always been drawn to the sun and natural light much preferring the birth of a new day over the cold blanket of night. As I learn to not be ashamed of who I am in this life or which direction I face I go boldly into the light. I will no longer be scared by my own shadow but bold in my own genuine authenticity. Who I am now is who I was born to be no matter who holds me back or the struggle I face. My hopes is to encourage others to live their best with a no holding back attitude and a fearless outlook towards life.
I still believe that the secret of life stems down to our ability to love. I am not convinced, however, of the limitations we put on ourselves. In one sense I appreciate the family dynamic as we help each other navigate through life. The building blocks to a life well lived usually start from there. To nurture those in our family is to give them our unconditional love and support. What is missing from my life is a cheerleader, somebody to help me up when I fall down. Without a husband who cares and loves me I am just a middle aged lady growing cold.