I wish I could find a way to just live simply instead of over analyzing every moment I have ever lived instead. To say I live in complete angst and inner turmoil is an under statement. How I wish and long for somebody that I could just call my friend.
I know that I am being judged constantly and no matter how awful I feel I still can’t stop being me. I will still hear how I am good for nothing and deserve nothing but a beat down how I wish I could stop these words from surfacing once again.
All it takes is just a moment and I am thrown back under the weight of it all. I can feel my heart when it started to break apart forever being ripped right open and I can tell you the exact moment when my world fell apart.
Medically it has all been documented to be included in and among the paper of the life that I was forced to live. The choices I made because of promises that were long broken how I wish that death came for me that morning instead.
I was just a girl wishing that the hurt wouldn’t come for me and that I could find somebody in my life that cared to finally understand. Life hurt so bad but I couldn’t run away from what was promised to me so I began to live my life a lot differently then not many ever could or can.
I knew who I was and what was done to me and for as long as I could remember all I wanted was to understand. How could somebody who claimed to love me so endlessly turn into a monster that night right were he stood. That feeling of hopelessness and realizing that nobody would ever believe me made me just hold my head down in shame. If only I was a better person is all I kept thinking and these were the thoughts poisoning my brain at only 13.
I gravitated towards some of the biggest losers who couldn’t keep it in their pants to save their own lives. That was never the life that I wanted. I was the girl who grew up wanting what my Grandparents had instead. When you lose your first born in such a horrific way there has been no way for me to forgive myself. I try to live in the image that she most would have wanted and dream of an ending where she could have lived.
I have to be able to forgive myself in order for anybody in this world to look at me with a kind eye. I have to remind myself that I don’t need to apologize for a beginning that had no hope and would forever be broken and be kinder to myself when I was just a kid. There are those people who are kind in the words that they use to speak about you and those are your people no matter how hard it is for you to come around and believe.
Being broken changes everything as you try to find a way for you to sympathize and relate. I feel like I am a crazed animal incapable of basic human emotion because I believe that my psyche has evolved over and above what the average person might say.
I am not saying that I am smarter not by any means but what I get a sense of is who that person really is. It’s hard for me to open up when the darkness is so forthcoming not caring to much who it is they decide to take in.
I understand the idea of us wanting everybody around us to be like us. They become the security blanket we knew we all desired, wanted and need. I think the reason we gravitate towards the person who is just like us is because they give us that boost in confidence that we needed. It’s ok to be loud, obnoxious and boisterous if that is the reflection of the person that you see.
I like the idea that we are a special entity that is worthy of life, love and happiness and success in any way that we can find. Life has become so incredibly complicated as we push ourselves into becoming obsolete.
My security blanket is to think of where it is we are all destined to be. When it is all said and done and this race is finally over will be finally be able to relax and feel free. I don’t want to be tied down to just anybody, not anymore. The wrong type of person hurts. They make you feel weak and try to defeat all that is me.
I can see them. I smell them. I used to feast on their hate for breakfast. No joke. It is what kept me going for so long. The way others chose to see me and write me off as a waste of skin when all I was trying to do was be me.
I don’t want to feel ashamed not by any means and why should I? I know I am different. Everything about this story is different and now it is up to us to see how we can fit in. I am at a place where I can’t remember or care to hide from the truth. So many have fallen and laid down their lives for something that was out of their control and unforeseen.
I wish I knew where I was going after all of this and if we were all just careening into nothing. I am scared that we are. I am scared that we aren’t. I am scared that we have absolutely no idea.