Deep End

I want to jump off the deep end. I want to let my mind slip away from me so I can live a life that begins to feel more full. I have always believed there is something wrong with the path that has been laid down in front of me and as I open up my heart wide I can’t help but see.

We are so wrong and everything we have done to numb our senses. We should be terrified of those content living in this cool, cruel world. Imagine those who just want to annihilate another human being, all because they feel like they are worthy enough to try and settle old scores.

I play this game because I have to as I watch big pharma and corporations make a mockery at of this world. If I cry and mourn the loss of a loved one I better get over it fast or medication is the demands that everybody around wants for me. Did she cry? Give her some medication. Better numb her senses in the hopes we can prevent that spiritual bleed.

That drag that comes from not knowing who you are trying to spin your wheels what hope in Hell do you have of ever fitting in. We will work our fingertips till they bleed disguised as taxes to make another demonic being rich. That is what happens whenever we relinquish over any sort of control. How I wish for an existence that makes sense for all of us and one that we all desire and need.

So what changed my mind and made me feel this way? Maybe it has been my destiny to be this way all along. With desperate times there are always desperate measures so I look for some line of communication between me and the other deities that have already been. What am I talking about? I am talking about Tarot and how they are guiding me through the most precarious of times.

The first card I pulled was about spreading false information so it made me pull down my research until I can fully back it up. What is the sense of spreading useless propaganda when there is trouble brewing that is starting much closer to home. So I pulled it all down until there was a better time to spread the knowledge in the cosmetic industry that I have come to know. There is HUGE holes in the cosmetic industry but those holes were initiated by the government and not by you and me. Maybe our make-up is our population control? It is going to take a lifetime to prove all the things that I have seen.

Are you we still able to reach salvation as we strive to maintain our own authenticity or have we pushed ourselves to a place where we have perverted all meaning? So many words, feelings and emotions taken out of context in order for another being to feel whole. Does that make any sense. Think about the entities we try to destroy all to try and save our good name.

Love should never hurt and from the graces above we should be lifted to the highest levels possible however the negativity that begins to creep in is slowly interwoven into everything we try to do. Becoming a mere shell of the being we were supposed to be we forget everything we have come to know.

The game and the rules no longer apply as everything is changed in order to accommodate another being. I wish people could see what we are doing too each other. I wish we could see how we continuously fail when we allow another being to feel anything but free. Sometimes I just want to jump off the deep end I wonder if there is anybody out there just like me?

If thou shall not harm and live according to their own means who are we to lower the boom and pervert their definition of life to satisfy us. Am I satisfied? No I am scared. I am scared of what will happen if I am not allowed a chance to become the woman I was destined to become. What will happen to me if I don’t honour her and her name?

We have let the outward pressures of the world pollute our moment and threaten to take our time away in the sand. I fear for the world what will happen when there is no chance left for us. Haven’t we learned anything from any being who has treaded on this Earth before?

Nothing is promised not even tomorrow and try and live anything but happy I can not even begin to understand. Sure my relationship is anything but happy but we do have a family who counts on us so I try to be optimistic which is incredibly hard in this world.

All I can do is control me and my movements and try to be a blessing with those that I cross paths with instead of trying to drag them down. We all have our own purpose and being that we are try to live with so it would be nice if more of us would honour that energy instead of constantly dragging it down.

The only type of entity I can’t support is the one that is always triggering me taunting me with the haunting imagery that I have tried my whole life to ignore. I am more peace and love and softness I can no longer feel the pain and rage. As I learn more about who I am inside I run and cower away from anything that does feel warm or welcoming or even nice.

I am damaged goods and that is my story and that is ok the only thing that I don’t waiver on are those people I may have lost along the way. The ones that turned their nose up and pushed me into a box that they refused to understand. I was merely only a teenager so broken looking for somebody to give me some comfort and lovingly guide me by the hand.

I think that is what makes me want to have my mind just snap so I always have a loving place to want to go to and want to stay. The second card said that I had to tread very carefully in the physical world. That maybe this is not place and I don’t belong to or even come and stay. I want to build my own fantasy in my mind where I will always feel loved and safe. I am not sure what it is in this moment that makes me feel this way and I am uncertain if I want this feeling to even stay.


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