What if I am never good enough?

Words that have vibrated inside of us for as long as we were able to form words. Yes as hildren they didn’t consume or thoughts like they do now but from a young age they are always there. Growing and moving like wildfire as soon as it takes hold. It is amazing how a little bit of self doubt will affecg us for the rest of our lives preventing us from being able to bask in our own divine light. In school now we have taken away the element of competition as we don’t want that one non athletic child to feel like he can’t amount to anything. As we transition to a World where we minimize lthe childs true talent we allow for this intense World that will infect us all as in transgresses throughtout the masses. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe we should allow for us to define our own definition of good enough. Maybe self esteem should be taught instead of expected. Maybe a generation of undoing all the damages that the past has done to allow for a happier future.

Who define’s good enough? Good enough for who? When we try to focus on ourselves we get told we are selfish. That we aren’t doing enough for the World. Does the whole World actually matter if on the inside we are falling apart? We weren’t designed to live this life in misery. Destined to make the same mistakes as our forefathers as we forget to honour the past. We have to honour their existence as they were part of an existence that we will never be privvy too. Maybe understanding how it is they came to be will allow us to open our hearts and see that this time we are living in isn’t that bad. Maybe my definition of good enough can be defined by those that seem to to think my existence means something. Means something to them in their World that allows them to maybe hold onto the hope that we aren’t doomed to run each other into the ground. That maybe in time we will see a more loving World brought together by salvation instead of the consequences of hate and war. Does that make this existence good enough? The way we treat each and our blind ignorance to what actually matters in the World.

Failing to recognize the problem that we are contributing to allows us to start living in a blissful ignorance. Ignorant to the damage that we are in fact doing to each other and worst yet to all the living beings that we have been blessed to share this time with. We don’t care about the living beings that wea are driving to instinction. In our blind mind we see it as a means to an end. In order to achieve more fame more fortune. We don’t care for those that get destroyed in our wake. Why does it matter. Their existence doesn’t affect mine. Until maybe it does because everything in this moment has been intrinsically designed to exist in this moment. We are the only species driven by wealth and success. We are the only species driven by hate and war. We no longer live to exist we exist to live. Our self righteous entitlement will destroy the World. It has already began to destroy our children. Their minds are weak and easily controlled by the World that surrounds him. Maybe I never noticed before. Maybe because during that time it never mattered. But now here it is slapping me in the face over and over again. Suicide rates are on the rise between 10 to 14 year olds. What does that even mean? How does a 10 year old now what suicide is? How can a young mind be so infected that this is the only option. When I was 10 I thought I could grow up to become Huey, Dewey and Louie from the Ducktales. I think me and my younger cousins held onto the dream until I was 12. Until the hormones took over. Is this hormones controlling these young minds. Telling them that in only a mere 10 years there is no hope for life getting better. What have we done to the World and when are we going to stop infecting our children in this way. When a young girl would rather grow up and become the next Kardashian we are falling ourselves and the World around us. Everybody wants to air their dirty laundry and hurt those around us. We will sell our soul to the devil if it meant we could be the next internet sensation. That is what matters. This is the World that we are living in.

Where does it start? How does it manifest itself into it’s own entity that dares to infect my son before he even gets out of diapers. How do I stop the same thing from happening to him that happened to me. The obvious answer I truly need to believe that I am good enough. That deep down inside of me I need t truly believe that who I am right now in this very moment is good enough. Good enough to be loved by not only my husband and son but all of these pets that make up my family. And my friends. I can not sing enough of their praises!!! The people that I am blessed enough to truly call my friends I think the World of them and want to hear something crazy…they actually think the World of me too. What a truly beautiful World. I dared to go outside myself to try and be somebody different. Somebody that nobody knew anything about. Not my past and that rocky road that I had travelled on before. There were no pre-conceived notions about who they thought I was or who others told them I should be. I dared to go somewhere raw and vulnerable. I exposed myself in my true image of who I was always destined to be. I was no longer that scared, shy little girl who was desperate for friends. Who sometimes sat alone too scared to fit in but also too scared to be alone. I let the pollution of the outside World determine who they wanted me to be. Maybe the pressure started sinking in when I was 13. He wasn’t really my boyfriend but I wanted him to be. He was a couple years older and to me oh so dreamy even though the hint of moustache had 70’s pornstar written all over him. It was totally PG stuff. I mean he was my best friends brother but a group of us always played hide and seek and usually in the dark. And for those odd chances we were hiding alone together we would engage in total PG stuff. Well until the time he picked me up over my shoulders and mentioned how heavy I was. I thought right than and there that is why he wasn’t my boyfriend. I vowed never to eat again till I had lost some weight. There I was at 13 starving myself.

I can’t remember who it was but he was totally seeing another one of our friends anyways. So there I was fat and boyfriendless. A total loser right? It was the summer right before high school anyways so why not some complete mental scaring to really get me going. I guess there it is. My misconnect with boys, food, body image. All that. We can make a million exscuses for who we are and why we can’t change. I am looking at it all differently now. If that is how I feel before the age of social media I can not imagine what these girls and teens are going through. We bred a society where we expose ourselves to everything but don’t acquire the necessary skills to know exaclty what is going on. Maybe it is that our kids don’t get a chance to actually be kids. What exactly are these cartoons about anyways. Does everything have to be if things were real. Like cool concept Disney but does every disney movie have to be real these days.What happened to make believe and magic and those things that make life great. Maybe that is why I love Pin-Up so much and why it could never truly be a part of me. I love being vibrant and bright and larger than life. I love the idea that we can radiate any energy from within us. That maybe truly one person can change the World. Well one person can differently change their Word. Maybe in time it will become like a domino effect where enough people will be inspired and life will truly start to feel good again. You know where anything is possible and dreams do somehow begin to come true. We have to believe that in this moment that we are good enough. I know that doesn’t solve the problems of the World but nothing ever will if we don’t just start to believe. So far now take it from this ol housewife who is sitting here writing to you that if dreams were never meant to happen. In fact if all that we had left were our dreams to keep us going until we became more awake. You never know who maybe inspired by your journey and that is why you can’t give up! You are the best version of you ever written and you will always be good enough in the presence of the right kind of people. I promise you this. I believe in you always. You are good enough at least to me.

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