I Care

What I think is incredibly irritating yet intoxicating is how far from feeling human one being can actually feel. Do you feel what I am feeling or have a sense of where I am about to go? At times I think the answer is more than obvious but then I take a deep breath and all my thoughts are lost and I begin to lose control.

There is always a time when my thoughts are more obvious coming to the forefront of my mind in order for them to be heard but there is something not so forthcoming about the aura that always has me racing back. I don’t like to share. K. I do like to share but more like in a blanketed anonymous way. I know my words can hurt others so I try to be more careful of the words that come out of my mouth forming the words with caution so that I can move forward throughout my day.

I wonder what drives us to act inhuman? Pushing us to our limits so there is no further for us to go. The way we laugh and point fingers at those less fortunate than us makes me realize that I could never desire or want to hurt anybody in such a way. It’s weird when it happens like a locust or a cyst either way they are both unwelcome so I don’t care what anybody else might have to say.

I wish life was easier and that more of the world could be kind. I know it seems like life should be easier but I am coming to terms with everything that I have set out to find. Moving towards my own authenticity is the only journey on this grind. I used to know people who wanted to work hard just like me but their future had different ideas so now I pay them very little mind.

How I get distracted is by all the things that I can never be. All the blessings that have been bestowed upon other entities have always passed over me and I can’t help but wonder why? Was a deal made before I was born by ancestors I have never met? At times I can’t help but wonder just how my future might unfold.

I love watching those without a care in the world embracing this world and all that they can be. It’s hard isn’t it? There are those that are so far out there that I just can’t imagine how much further they could go but those type of people will always surprise you. They have a fire that has been burning for many years inside.

I love that drive but I love it even more when it is kind. I don’t know why anybody would want to step on other peoples fingers and toes. I stay far back and hide beneath the shadows I don’t want to be carried away with an entity that is so mean. The world is not just your oyster and we are all privy to that pearl but for some odd reason you hold all of our heads under the water because when it comes to you, you have the furthest to swim before you go.

I don’t want to identify with being human anymore because I think we have perverted all meaning. I pay my respects a young girl and her family who were forced to live between a wall because she grew up during the Nazi uprising in Germany. When I start feeling down and coursing the life I have I think about how her life was cut short because of another human’s beliefs. How many humans did he rob them of their future of and is there any way we can make up for this payment of the highest price?

Looking back I think society has always deemed the sacrificing of human life to try and appease a God that was born inside of our minds. It is horrific to think of these shortcoming that come to mind but when they do they will hit you like a mac track and you won’t be ok this time.

I am not condoning any behaviour because what happens in another’s timeline can be to them the most horrific thing. We can’t minimize the way we feel and what makes us human no matter how hard it is we want to turn a blind eye. I wish right? But what gives us the right and all the things that go bump and boo in the middle of the night.

I love humans and the strange creatures that we are but I think there is some caution that needs to be exercised. When we put too much faith into the humanity of humans I think that is how we go wrong. We have to believe that they are capable of being mean and engaging in less than honourable activities being the only ones in the Universe that can bring us to our knees.

Maybe the worry I have about everybody else is the worry I carry about myself. I need to work towards accepting myself and loving myself every single day. Instead of worrying so much on whether or not anybody could possibly like me I need to fall back in love with myself. Truly.

Easier said then done now isn’t it. It’s a work in progress every single day. There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I am not looking at myself in the mirror and cursing back at the reflection that I see. I think it has been years of abuse and constant negativity that has begun to make a monster out of me.

Not that I would hurt anybody but I do enjoy feeding on myself. It is crazy how fast you will believe the words spoken about you when you have been forced to listen to them every single day. All I want to do is love myself and save that starving child that is inside. I know it might take a lifetime to finally get to where I am going all I am trying to do is share with the rest of the world that I am here and that I care.


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