I feel disoriented and incredibly out of sorts. I consider the way that most people look down at their nose at me and it makes me want to immediately crawl into a hole. The problem with living in a hole my life is that I will never be able to spread my own wings and fly.

I don’t want to point my fingers at anyone but when I get a phone call at 5:30pm telling me to come and pick up my loved one I would expect that she would be coming home alive. I understand that mistakes happen but this is my little girl that was forced to endure this journey alone.

I could tell that everything surrounding this moment was different. I could tell that through her pain she could no longer recognize the family she had loved over this last few years. I want to scream and trash their office out of anger but then I realize that will never let her come home and would only have me acting as a fool.

I am beyond livid angry that you promised me she would be coming back home. I can’t believe that tomorrow I will be picking her up in a frosty pink urn never to cuddle her again but be her forever home.

The sweetest die young. They always do. It is almost like what they have to give to us mere humans can only be so much. I know there are a million other cats out there needing their furever home but they aren’t Babsie and they aren’t the cat my son adores.

Where I get caught is I think about who will be next until I realize we will all topple over like dominoes in the end. I can’t imagine which one of us will be the last one standing forced to remember the life we had shared once when we were all so small. Death is here and he is always waiting for one of us in the shadows ready to scoop us up and take another one home.

Why I want to stay in this moment because I am too scared to experience anything else. I want to know what happens to them when they pass on and die and are they truly happy and is it me that is the one to cry?

Life is so painful but it is like that for everybody. I can’t imagine an existence that was filled with so much compassion that the world would finally have enough. It’s like Kiska, the loneliest whale in the world, could you imagine your life was trapped inside of an aquarium with not even a friend to live out your days. 5 calves were born and died almost immediately in captivity. Imagine this was your existence in this cool, cold world.

For 20 years she would swim in a circle bashing her head against the sides in an attempt to try and kill herself. We as humans thought it was humourous that we drove the animals to the brinks of doing this. Not all humans are this cruel. (https://www.change.org/p/free-kiska-the-last-orca-held-in-captivity-in-canada)

Imagine your whole existence meaning nothing to nobody not even yourself. Unable to believe or see any change you become a mere fraction of yourself. I couldn’t imagine my life being diminished in such a way. I feel blinded by all the information and news in the media like it is something that I should be concerned with or even care.

Even my husband felt a bit of shame for not even knowing about her struggle. I can’t believe she passed away on March 9 her final journey away from being kept in captivity. To the humans who tried to save her and stayed by her side with such grace they make me so proud to be human and be a part of this human race.

I think that is what this moment in darkness has taught me is that we have to learn to be accepting of the light. That is is ok to stay hidden in the shadows but you have to be ok with letting in some light. There is a reason why the body goes cold and heavy when we are no longer like a finite piece of lead. I couldn’t believe how heavy my darling cat had become when she transcended away from her body and lifted towards the sky instead.

Love and light. Warmth and love. A rise into the Heavens. There is a reason why all these things are said. I will always believe what Albert Einstein said when he said energy only begins its transformation after we are dead.

To believe that we get to go anywhere but up when we live an honourable and full life is ridiculous. I can not believe that there is not some sort of punishment for those beings who do nothing on this Earth but cause others grief.

We aren’t able to have all the answers while we are living because it will change how we live in this life and how we behave. Think about if we all knew where we were going we would do things a lot differently before we hit our graves. At least I would hope and that is the driving force behind believing in good and evil. Once we have forever chosen and crossed over a sider there is no predicting what will happen to us.

What humans are capable of and try to get away with will forever rock me to my core then I remember maybe it doesn’t matter what I believe or decide to start fighting for. When I die it is all over and there is no going back once I am dead. I am scared for what will happen in that moment and all the thoughts and memories floating in my head.

Please don’t let me forget them or let them forget me once they cross over that bridge. I know we are told to appreciate the moment but these thoughts always eat away at me instead.